The spark is gone – an introduction

A few days ago, I was looking at a stock photo with the words “passion led us here” and this got me thinking of those moments when the spark is gone from a relationship. I was thinking of how passion leads us to a place where we don’t pay attention to the cultural differences in our relationship.

Imagine then that one day you woke up and realised that the passion was gone, and you were able to see the cultural differences. You then may be tormented by the question, what should I do if my spark is gone? “When people are in long-term relationships, including marriages, it’s very common for the “romance” to wear off sooner or later. A fulfilling partnership that was once a source of happiness can feel flat or unsatisfying, even though both sides still love each other” (Flourishpsychology.ca).

I will give 5 ways you can respond to this sudden realisation of the presence of cultural differences that come to fore when the spark is gone. The 5 responses are the steps you can take to deal with the situation. This is not meant to rekindle the spark. It is aimed at enabling you to live with the new situation in a positive way. It is a way of navigating the differences. It may not rekindle the spark, but it will keep the relationship healthy. It will give you the impetus to rekindle the spark.

The spark: passion led us here.

Ah, love! You may be one of those people that say that passion led us here. By here, I mean you and your partner being together in a romantic relationship. I like the way that Kendra Cherry defines romantic relationship. It is defined as follows: Romantic relationships are those characterized by feelings of love and attraction for another person. While romantic love can vary, it often involves feelings of infatuation, intimacy, and commitment. Infatuation and commitment stand out for me in this definition because they typify the early days of the relationship. The relationship is engulfed in passion.

When you met this special person, a connection was sparked, and suddenly, your world seemed brighter. You believed you had met the perfect fit for you. The only thing that you could see of this person was the value that they had brought to your life. This wasn’t the time for you to see if they met the standards of the checklist that you have always had of your ideal partner. The person before your eyes was more than the fair deal you had always dreamed about.

As they say, reality sets in

Not that the initial bliss wasn’t reality. It was. It is. What is happening to you in this instance is that the spark is gone or fading. Lea Rose Emery (2018) writes that “one of the reason love can fade over time is that it’s hard to keep that dopamine buzz going.” And quoting Dr. Lieberman, she further writes that “once you’re in a relationship, that dopamine excitement fades and eventually stops.”

Down the road, the emotions subside reasonably, clearing the murky view you had to reveal the chasm of cultural beliefs and values. A new reality sets in – your cultural backgrounds are vastly different. You realise that these differences could ruin the dream union you believed to have found. You feel that the differences are an opposite to the passion that led us here. This may lead to you wondering what your future holds. Again, how is your response to those cultural differences supposed to be?

Don’t fret, lovebirds! This isn’t at all the end of your love story. Rather, this can be the beginning of a beautiful adventure in understanding and growth. What you need to do is to embrace the differences, openly communicate, and manage the differences by negotiating what works for both of you. The spark is gone but the relationship can still be revived.

There is nothing wrong with being surprised by cultural differences. The differences can pop up in everyday situations such as communication styles and family dynamics. In such situations, what initially seemed charmingly exotic to you can suddenly feel like a hurdle. This is even more pronounced when the spark is gone or when the passion wears away, which inevitably does. As I always like to point out, differences are not problems to be solved but opportunities for growth. The death of your relationship should not be confirmed when the spark is gone.

The corrective measure

My aim in this article is to address what you should do when the spark is gone and how to deal with the subsequent shock that one grapples with at the realisation of the presence of cultural differences that threaten to ruin something that is so dear to you and has great value to you. This realisation comes about when the spark is gone. These differences have always been there. They didn’t suddenly appear out of the blue. They just didn’t seem to matter in the beginning. You could overlook them. You convinced yourself that the passion was more important than anything else. Or perhaps you were so smitten by love that nothing else mattered more than what you felt.

So how do you deal with the situation when the spark is gone and the resulting shock that your cultures are different, and that these differences may damage your relationship? I have already written 6 tips you can use to better intercultural marriage differences. In this article, I will briefly point out 5 things to do in responding to the cultural differences when the spark is gone. Think of your relationship as a unique tapestry. Each cultural thread adds richness and texture. Here’s how to weave those threads together into a masterpiece:

1. Embrace the Power of Communication: You need to talk openly and honestly to your partner. Share with them your fears and concern arising from this shock. You need to talk to each other about your values and cultural backgrounds. Active listening and being non-judgemental will play a critical role in your communication. And this communication is not for one partner, but for both. Read my other article on how to unlock communication nuances.
2. Become Cultural Connoisseurs: Be curious to want to learn and understand the culture of your partner. This understanding of your partner’s culture will be helpful in dealing with the shock. Ask questions about your partner ‘s traditions and customs that are causing you anxiety. Explore their culture together. This is a safe bet because you have someone along your side who knows the terrain of the culture you are exploring. Find a solution together that helps you navigate or manage the differences. Differences can always be managed.
3. Find Your Common Ground: Despite your differences, there’s bound to be some common ground. You need to find this common ground for your relationship. The common ground is those shared values, goals, and dreams. Having to pursue a common goal can be the bedrock of your relationship when the spark is gone. Focus on those and build your life together around them. You can make use of the strategies I have written here.
4. Be Flexible, Not Fragile: Sometimes, compromise is necessary. As I have written in my other article, some instances will require you to constantly compromise and that other situations require more compromise than others. There must be a willingness to bend a little on both sides even if the spark is gone in one of you. To be flexible while at the same time not fragile means that you respect the needs of your partner and at the same time advocating for your own.
5. Seek Support If Need be: Don’t let fear stop you from asking someone for help if your spark is gone and you are struggling to navigate through the differences. Find a therapist who is experienced in intercultural relationships. They can help to equip you with tools and strategies that you need to navigate the differences. I am equally available to help you if need be. Contact me so that we can see how I may be of help.

Let passion lead you on

You always need to bear in mind that love is a journey and not a destination. It is an experience that you need to explore if you are to enjoy it. You will be hampered from enjoying the experience if it is a problem-solving endeavour for you. Yes, there will be some bumps experienced along the road. But you will be able to create a love story that transcends your cultures with openness and a willingness to learn. Your differences can become your strengths. So, embrace the adventure, enjoy the experience, celebrate your passion, and weave a tapestry of love that’s truly one-of-a-kind. Let passion lead you on.