Communication in intercultural marriage

I believe that communication nuances in intercultural marriages is different from those that are married from the same culture. There are certain nuances that are associated with intercultural communication. The nuances include things such as understanding the context, communication styles, nonverbal communication, and power dynamics. These nuances are like a double-edged sword. They not only help us understand what the other person is communicating but equally can be the vehicle we use to manage the differences.

This article expands what I wrote in the third tip of the article, Better Intercultural Marriage Differences: 6 Tips. In that tip, I wrote about the need to talk to each other. Navigating the communication nuances will give success to your endeavor to talk your partner. I will underline the need to pay attention to these nuances and how communication can be the vehicle to manage the differences. On the other hand, they can be barriers to communication if left unattended. Barriers may include non-verbal communication, language, values, norms, and family or societal expectations, to mention but a few.

The communication nuances.

The idea I am trying to advance here is that the differences we have in terms of beliefs, values, norms, and worldviews can be dealt with by talking to each other about them. Communication is about creating space to talk, and talk in a productive way. Understanding and acknowledging the nuances goes a long way in cultivating a productive communication.

What I am trying to communicate by stating, “the four gains and losses” in the title is that there are benefits and pitfalls in these communication nuances. The four nuances that I advance in this article can either be used to build your relationship, or they may be a barrier if you do nothing about them. The determining factor as to whether they are gains or losses is you. Here are the four nuances to consider.

1. Understanding the context

There is usually some background information to a conversation that may or may not be given depending on the culture. Some cultures will provide you with a lot of background information whereas others will only give inference. This reminds me of some of those times that I don’t get the jokes that some Austrians share with me. There’s nothing wrong with the Austrian humour. It just didn’t register with me. This would be different if I understood the context of the communication.

Understanding the context would reduce the misunderstandings that may arise from wrongly interpreting what the other is saying. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to understand everything about the context. The best starting point would be those main contexts that will affect your relationship in your daily communication. This is what I had referred to as the basic significant differences in my other article.

2. Communication styles

My understanding of communication styles has to do with whether it is direct or indirect, explicit, or implicit. For instance, I grew up in a culture that believes that it is sufficient to say that you are in the toilet (rarely done) or going to the toilet. You don’t need to give the details of what exactly you are doing in the toilet. It feels awkward for me around a different culture that freely tells you what exactly they are going to do in the toilet. The point is that some people are direct in their communication and others aren’t.

You need to know what type of communication style your partner engages in. If you don’t know, then it is time for you to learn. As a matter of fact, learning is life-long experience that never stops. Keep learning your partner. It could be that your partner is readjusting their styles to accommodate you. Even such a change would affect your communication.

As good and beneficial as understanding and knowing the communication style of your partner is, the goal should be about how you make use of this knowledge in your daily life. It should be able to help you manage your differences. For instance, if your partner favours indirect communication style, how do you confront them with an issue that you feel is pressing? Find ways to make this information practical in your marriage.

3. Nonverbal communication

The characteristics involved in nonverbal communication includes body language, eye contact, facial expressions, and gestures. These vary from culture to culture. Some of these may mean something that is unacceptable in one culture whereas in the other culture it is acceptable.

The nonverbal communication is usually instinctual. Over the course of our development, our culture shapes us to respond in certain ways. These become like a second nature. This is important to always bear in mind if you are irritated by how your partner communicates. It may be an instinctual and not a conscious act.

Always bear in mind that “when faced with such mixed signals, the listener has to choose whether to believe your verbal or nonverbal message. Since body language is a natural, unconscious language that broadcasts your true feelings and intentions, they’ll likely choose the nonverbal message“ (Segal et al., Feb. 2024).

4. Power dynamics

How one talks to their peers will be different to how they talk to the elderly. For instance, when talking to parents some cultures demand addressing them in certain ways. In my culture you don’t use the first name for a father or in-law when talking to them. I think the structure of the language also facilitates this. This is different to what I have experienced in Austria where one can call their father or in-laws by their first names. It takes knowing what the power dynamics demands and then readjust accordingly.

Blending in the systemic therapy approach

The first approach is addressing relational patterns and dynamics in the marriage as a broad system. This offers valuable help that is needed in managing the differences in marriage. This requires exploring and assessing the situation to better understand the impact the differences have on the relationship. This gives the couple the opportunity to look at their cultural backgrounds as well as their communication preferences. Adopting this approach gives you a context under which to work through your problems.

Psychoeducation is the second systemic therapy approach. This would be very beneficial to the couple who need help to manage their differences. This would be educating the couple about the communication nuances that exist between them. This is more like developing a self-awareness as well as that of their partner. The goal is not to teach them how to communicate per se, rather it is to make them aware of the communication nuances. I find this to be a better option than teaching them how to communicate. Don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with teaching them how to communicate. My preferred approach is like teaching someone to fish rather than giving them fish.

Now, let me turn to the final systemic therapy appraoch, setting healthy boundaries. This should be used to promote individuality while at the same time fostering a sense of shared identity. Boundary setting isn’t hedging yourself off of your partner. It is establishing guidelines that are helpful in your interactions. This is letting your partner be themselves in their cultural identity and finding ways how to build a shared identity in your different cultural backgrounds. Healthy boundaries respect the communication nuances that your partner has. Healthy boundaries learn and are aware of those nuances, and then find how to co-exist. You need to be flexible to manage this.

Conclusion

Effective communication is foundational in managing differences. Focusing on the nuances of communication can in this regard help manage the differences. Married life isn’t chasing rainbows to find a pot of gold. Rather, it is turning your differences into golden experiences that you live to cherish in your lives together. And communication gets you those experiences. I like to think of such a communication with your partner comparably to driving a car. This process involves knowing how to operate the car, observance of traffic rules, watching out for pedestrians and cyclists, and your own personal fitness or health.

Likening communication in intercultural marriages to driving a car isn’t only about the nuances. It is also about the reason or motivation for communication. The reason you learn to drive is so that you may be able to drive. It’s not to avoid accidents. But the observation of traffic rules and being of sound mind will help in avoiding accidents. Navigating through the nuances is like finding that pot of gold, one where your partner is treausured above fine gold.