Setting the foundation of cultural perspective in marriage

Have you ever felt frustrated because your partner sees things differently? When cultures clash in a relationship, it can be easy to feel like you’re not playing on the same team, with each championing for their own way of life. But what if there was a way to see things from your partner’s perspective? Well, the good news is that there is a way. The concept of cultural relativism is instrumental in finding that way.

Understanding your partner’s cultural background is key to a happy and harmonious relationship. In this article, we will explore the concept of cultural relativism and how it can help you navigate differences, along with practical tips for communication and compromise. This article is a further elaboration of the second tip from my other article, Better Intercultural Marriage Differences: 6 Tips.

The building blocks of cultural relativism

Although I don’t regard myself to be a good dancer that you will meet, I like using the analogy of a dance to make my point. Cultural relativism will in this regard be like you trying to understand the cultural groove of your partner. Is it systematic or intuitive?

The stark contrast I can draw here is one where Austrian or German women merrily dancing around in their colourful dirndl to that of an army of young vibrant jubilant Zulu virgins at the reed dance. Is there any significance to the attire worn during the dance? Is there uniformity in the dance? Is there a pattern?

I would be wrong to think that the scantilly dressed zulu virgins are less modest than those wearing dirndls. That would be my interpretation. It might be correct in certain contexts but it isn’t when I am talking about the reed dance. Cultural relativism demands that I ask the Zulus what it means to be scantilly dressed dring the reed dance. The meaning that I should have is the one that the Zulus have.

Defining cultural relativism

Cultural relativism is the idea that beliefs, behaviors, and values should be understood within the context of a specific culture, not judged by the standards of another. This is where I draw the viewpoint that you need to see things through the eyes of your partner. Your partner’s culture isn’t wrong but simply different. There’s no “right” way of doing things, only different ways. This doesn’t negate our moral responsibility to being humane. The point here is to not outrightly call the other person’s culture “wrong” without understanding the reasonings from them.

According to the APA Dictionary of Psychology, cultural relativism is “the view that attitudes, behaviour, values, concepts, and achievements must be understood in the light of their own cultural milieu and not judged according to the standards of a different culture.” This means that ethics and morals differ from culture to culture. There is no absolute universal standard by which we are to judge cultures. “What is exceptional in one culture may not be considered so in another. What is considered “problem” behaviour in one context may not be considered so in another. Problems are defined by their context, especially behaviour in the psychosocial domain” (Li A.KF, 1999).

What may be acceptable in your culture may not be acceptable in the culture of your partner. For instance, it may be considered a taboo in your culture to see your mother-in-law in her underwear. But the culture of your mother-in-law sees no problem in her walking past you while you are watching tv in her underwear or trying out a dress in your presence. Cultural relativism encourages us to judge cultures on their own terms and not on how we think they should be.

What cultural relativism does for the marriage

Cultural relativism gives us a helping hand in understanding the cultural perspectives of others. It does that by drawing us on a path of flexibilty. It doesn’t make us flexible. It only brings us on that path. The decision to be flexible has to be made by you. And much more, the decision to put it into practice lies in your hands.

A simple dictionary definition of flexibility by the online Cambridge dictionary is the ability to change or be changed easily according to the situation. In my estimation, change, if it is to be entertained, must go both ways. You can ask your partner to change and that’s not a problem. However, you need to equally be willing to change if it is asked of you.

Asking you to be flexible may sound like a departure from what I wrote in my articles, How to Embrace Cultural Differences in a Marriage and Better Intercultural Relationship Differences: 6 Tips. In these articles I put so much emphasis on managing the differences rather than changing the differences. How is it that I am now talking about flexibility to change? Allow me to add some context to it.

Seeing it through their eyes

Imagine asking your partner to change something that is deeply rooted in their culture. Your partner may view this change as stripping them of their cultural identity. I don’t know how well this will be received. This could be one example of the culture that cannot be changed.

Attempts to change such aspects of the culture may result in conflict. This is where you need to manage the difference and not advocate for change. You may succeed in getting them to change but you may at the same time have succeeded in making your partner an unhappy companion. When you sit down in your sober mind, do you think it was worth it getting them to change? You must answer that. I can’t do it for you.

A practical example is a situation where a husaband of African descent married to a Eurpean woman sending money to his extended family back home. The wife may be against that and ask him to stop. He won’t stop or doesn’t want to. For him, this is about personal identity and status in the extended family. He is not fighting against giving money. He is fighting to keep his integrity and honour intact. This leaves you both fighting two different fights based on money. Asking for change in such a situation will not be productive. This is a situation to be managed and not a problem to be solved. But you have to first see the issue through their eyes.

Understanding doesn’t equal agreement

Let’s say your partner is from a culture where family comes first, and you’re used to more independence. Understanding why they prioritize family gatherings doesn’t necessarily mean you have to abandon your desire for personal space.

The key to navigating these differences lies in open communication. Here are some tips:

• Ask questions: Instead of assuming you know why your partner does something, ask them to explain the meaning behind it.
• Listen actively: Pay attention to both their words and body language.
• Express your feelings: Let your partner know how their actions make you feel, but do so in a respectful way.
• Focus on solutions: Work together to find ways to bridge the gap between your cultural preferences.

Closing thoughts

What I sought to do in this article was to bring to awareness the need to see things through the eyes of your partner. I also showed how this affects daily interactions in a marriage. Awareness is the biggest thing I am trying to bring fourth. One of the approaches in Psychotherapy practice is to find out what the need to be met is. Instead of fighting over the difference, ask what need is to be met. In a way, this is an attempt to see things through their eyes.

I must admit that it is difficult to deal with such situations even when you have all this knowledge. Sometimes you need the help of someone else to deal with the differences. In case you are in that position, I am offering you the chance to work through those differences together. Contact me. This may be your opportunity to change or manage your differences.

References

APA dictionary: https://dictionary.apa.org/cultural-relativism

Flexibility: https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/flexibility

Li, A.K.F. (1999). Social and Cultural Perspectives. In: Schwean, V.L., Saklofske, D.H. (eds) Handbook of Psychosocial Characteristics of Exceptional Children. Springer Series on Human Exceptionality. Springer, Boston, MA. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-1-4757-5375-2_6