What does Embracing Cultural Differences Mean?

Embracing cultural differences in a mariage can determine which course your marriage takes. It can be the difference between fulfilment and misery. This can be a pillar that enables you to navigate the cultural differences in a relationship or marriage.

The idea I have when I think of embracing the cultural differences is a situation where you readily accept your partner. This acceptance is encompassed in deeper and stronger feelings. So it’s not simply saying you accept without meaning it.

I will endeavour to show how you can embrace the differences. And I will use the words “acceptance” and “embracing” interchangeably to mean the same thing. This article further elaborates the first tip that I gave in my other article, Better Intercultural Marriage Differences: 6 Tips. Before I proceed, let me give you a quick recap of what that tip is all about. It states that you must realise and acknowledge that your partner is different from you. Realising and acknowledging that your partner is of a different culture entail that you accept their way of living life. Accept that the way they see things is not wrong but simply different.

Simply Different

I was thinking to myself that if I were to take it that my partner’s culture was simply different and not wrong, what would that do to me? Would I have to fight with my partner when they lived their life different to the way I live mine? Do I consider my culture superior or more refined than my partner’s that she should live according to the dictates of my culture? These questions underline the gravity of embracing the cultural differences. You too can ask yourself these self same questions and honestly answer them. 

What comes to mind when I think of embracing the fact that your partner is of a different culture from you is the aspect of managing the differences. Accepting the differences, for me, means that you are managing those very same differences.

Accepting in this regard doesn’t mean that you agree with the cultural differences. There will always be behaviours and actions that emanate from our cultural upbringing that will be offensive or unsettling to our partners. And these are always a source of conflict and stress.

The conflict at times seems like an unending cycle. This reminds me of those record players of the good old days repeatedly playing a part of the song and can’t go forward. I don’t remember anyone who was pleased that their record was on the loop and happily kept dancing to the music. Most people were annoyed by that looping sound. It became an irritation with each passing second. In managing the loop, I remember in most cases that the record was taken off, cleaned, and then put back on.

I am advocating managing the irritation because you will always have differences to contend with unless you want to swear to celibacy.

The Inner Battle

In your attempt to manage the differences, you will always have the inner battle to want your partner to conform to your standards. I have come to learn that this inner conflict is a daily occurrence. You need to fight the urge within you that wants your partner to conform to your perceived acceptable cultural norms. You will need to constantly remind yourself of this aspect. This is a daily practice. On some days it may be better than on others. Maybe you will learn to master the art of managing your differences better. Nevertheless, the differences remain. That is why fighting the urge becomes a daily practice.

Talking to your partner about your struggles will go some way in alleviating the inner conflict. Talking to your partner is simply letting them know your struggles. You must be careful how you do it. You don’t want to make them feel like you are blaming them for how you feel. You don’t want to give them guilty feelings. This doesn’t serve any of you better.

Talking to your partner may take the form of learning the culture difference you are struggling with. You ask questions such as what does that mean for you? What’s the importance of this practice? How does this define who you are supposed to be in your culture? Take time to listen to why your partner is different without coming up with any conclusions. Assumptions will not help you in managing the differences.

One story I heard comes to mind with regards to assumptions and stereotypes. It was told that a German man had arranged a date with a Latino woman. The Latino woman had the view that Germans are always on time and very mindful of that. For her to be respectful to the German man, she turned up for their appointment 15 minutes earlier than the arranged time. And the German man equally had it in his mind that the Latino are flexible with time and don’t usually keep to time. He didn’t want to make her feel bad for showing up late. So, he came to the appointment 30 minutes later than the arranged time.

This wasn’t a good start to their dating experience but hopefully a good lesson going forward. This situation can apply to an African meeting a European. I know, you will now be thinking that I am being stereotypical. Well, the truth is, you will find a European and an African that this applies to.

This example is simply meant to stress the need to learn the culture of the other person rather than assume that you know what it means for them. Don’t interpret the other culture through your own eyes. Get the interpretation that comes from that very culture.

Two Types of Talking That Helps

Talking helps to deal with a lot of things. This should be an obvious statement from someone who is practicing psychotherapy, you may surmise. Fair enough, but there is indeed value in talking when you are having differences. The first part of talking I have just explained is one where you get to learn and understand the culture of your partner. The second part of talking I want to address now is that where you talk about your common ground.

Even though the differences are making life miserable for you, you still have similarities that you both share. But it is hard to see these similarities when all you are doing is fighting over the differences. You end up being overly preoccupied by the differences so much that you are unable to appreciate the common ground.

In Solution Focused Therapy, the starting point is finding out what is going well. This provides the clients an opportunity to talk about their strengths and resources. These resources are like tools in a toolbox that one pulls out when they need to repair a specific issue. You won’t pull out a spanner when you need a star screwdriver. You use the appropriate tool.

Talking about resources enables the client to see how they were able to deal with the solution in the past. The same resources can be used to deal with a similar problem. “Learning about a person’s talents and strengths brings to light the very resources that will be useful for them in overcoming their problems” (Lutz, Anne. Pg. 42).

Have you ever been with someone who is negative in almost every aspect of life? I mean they don’t have to be your partner. They could be a friend, a work colleague, a neighbour, a family member, or popular personality. Such people can drain you of all optimism. They seem to have mastered the art very well. Listening to them would make you think that life is all but a failed project. They won’t for instance, enjoy winning a jackpot because they are preoccupied by whether they should buy a house or a sports car. This plunges them into despair that they are unable to enjoy the money they won.

But life is more than black and white. You will always find some shades of grey in between the black and white. Being overly focused on the negative or differences will rob you of the ability to see and let alone the opportunity to enjoy the positive and common grounds that already exist. Isn’t it worth it spending some few hours enjoying the beauty of the common ground rather than spend the entire day depressed by the differences? Take a few minutes to think about this.

Those moments of appreciating what is common between you will give you the hope that you are not in a lost cause even though you must deal with the differences daily. That hope may be just what you need to soldier on as you have your loins gird. Learn to see both sides of your relationship.

It’s a bonus on your part if you can see both sides of your relationship. Being respectful to your partner will be one of the main building blocks you need to have to appreciate both sides of your relationships. Being respectful will help you deal with the differences with grace and consideration. You will talk to your partner in a way that considers his or her hurt and struggles.

You can’t have a I don’t care attitude if you are respectful and sensitive to your partner. This is about being human despite being hurt. You don’t just look out for self-interests. You talk about the differences in a respectful manner so that the other doesn’t stay on the defensive. You want your partner to come to the discussion with an openness that would reach out to you to help in whatever way they can. Disrespect always elicits a negative response from the other person. It may not be expressed but it is always felt by that person. Be respectful, and above all, be sensitive to your partner.

Where You Need to Start From

What I have addressed in this article may seem basic and straightforward. It might not be the big revelation you were hoping for. Yes, it may not even be the easy way out you had imagined you would find. I have no qualms in you being disappointed if at all you are.

Your disappointment could be an indication of where you need to start from. Start from realising that resolving your cultural differences is not like picking up a manual of some furniture and then start putting things together in exactly the way the manual states. Well, there are times when following some manual is confusing and difficult to do. It’s not always as straightforward as one would imagine. Anyhow, that’s beside the point. What I want you to realise is that your disappointment could be because you want a quick fix with a clearly laid out outline on how to go about it. Life with fellow human beings is not as easy as following a guide.

A guide may guide you but it doesn’t guarantee success as is the case with an owner’s manual. If that’s you, then you need to change course. You are dealing with a human being, and humans are dynamic. Think of this process as a work of art where you need to be creative to navigate through the human dynamism. And this is a daily practice. Once you are done with that, then you can read through this article again from the beginning to see how you can accept the cultural differences.

But if you found this article enriching, then get to work on your differences. I mean, those of you who have partners. You can take it as tools in your toolbox of resources if your situation doesn’t require this right now. You never know how handy this could be in the not-too-distant future.

It’s not enough to feel inspired, challenged, or motivated. Put in the work. Things won’t magically work out for you. It’s like the New Year’s resolutions that won’t work without you doing the work. Things won’t magically work out for you. Work and more work will give you that accepting heart. You can accept your partner even if you don’t agree with their cultural practices.

I have deviced a systematic way that will help you in the process of how to embrace cultural differences. The FREE WORKSHEET on how to embrace cultural differences can be downloaded here.

Reach out to me for personalised professional help if this is what you are struggling with in your relationship or marriage.

Reference

Lutz, A. B. (2014). Learning solution-focused therapy: An illustrated guide. American Psychiatric Publishing, Inc..