Introduction: a winning mindset in marriage

What has a winning mindset got to do with intercultural marriage?, you may wonder. This article explores how you can determine what kind of mindset you have as well as how you can transform into a winning mindset. This article builds on my article, 2 Big Mindsets: 1 Fosters a Flourishing Marriage. This is a more practical approach to the subject in that I have an accompanying worksheet that you can use to determine your mindset as well as the steps to take towards a winning mindset. This affords you a systematic way of assessing yourself and embracing a winning mindset.

Embracing a winning mindset is about challenging yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening in your marriage. You may not be able to change certain things in your marriage but how you respond is important. How you respond is the difference between playing it safe and playing to win. Identify your current mindset in your intercultural marriage and take practical steps to transform it towards a winning mindset. Your journey starts now.

Current mindset self-reflection

Are you playing to win or are you playing it safe? Do you have a winning mindset? To answer this question, you need to do some self- reflection. This is the first step that you need to take in determining where you stand now. This is an honest look at oneself and asking the hard and uncomfortable questions. Self-reflection involves interrogating your thoughts and behaviours.

What you will be aiming to do with self-reflection is to see whether peace is more important for you than to objectively dealing with issues that are not right in your relationship. It could also be that you just want to keep the status the way it is. Are you driven for more and better in your relationship? Are you afraid to venture into the unknown?

The questions during the self-reflection process are meant to help you get a picture of which mindset you have now. An honest reflection will give you a clear picture that is needed to proceed to the next step. This exercise is meant to help identify the core issues that you need in your quest to attain a winning mindset.

Identifying the core issues

Identifying of the core issues will be based on the self-reflection that you did in the first step. The core issues are those things that contribute to the mindset that you have right now. For instance, fear to upset your partner even when you have a genuinely legitimate query may lead you to choose suffering in silence.

You need to identify what made you so cautious in your approach if at all you are, or what made you feel the need to prioritise stability at the expense of taking the risky choice of playing to win. Your past disappointments may have made you to not want to disturb the relative calm that you are experiencing right now. You would rather not confront issues head-on out of fear of disturbing that peace.

Recognising these core issues are key in making meaningful changes in your relationship. The idea here is to see how they affect marriage now and seek out what changes you would want to make for the better. Write down the core issues that you have come up. Now unto the next step.

Setting transformation goals

This is where you set specific goals that will transform your mindset. You use the information that you wrote down during the process of identifying core issues. The goals are the changes that you would want to see in your marriage. If you want to change from playing to lose to playing to win, then the goals will reflect that.

Your goals must be SMART. This means that they must be specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time bound. For instance, if your goal is to change how you communicate, the communication must be open and honest, and this must be observed or practiced in a specific time frame. The goal must not make you feel like you are dealing with an impossible situation. And having done the transformational goal setting, on to the action plan.

Action plan for transformation

You need to set up an action plan that is transformational. At times you may be required to create an action plan for each goal. Determine if it is best to have action plans for each goal or one action plan for all the goals. It is advisable to have an action plan for each goal. The action plan must give you the details of the steps you are going to take in achieving your goal.

The action is the most important part of the process in that this is where you bring to life your dreams and wishes. This is where you roll up the sleeves to get the work done. If any change is going to happen, then this is it. This is where you get the pain to reap the gain. Doing the work will not be pleasant, but it is necessary for change to happen.

The action plan must be transformational. What you are looking for is change. It is not about having a plan for the sake of it. You are looking at how to make changes and this must be very practical as well as achieve the desired goal. Let’s move on further in this process.

Monitoring progress

You need to track the progress that you as a couple are making in the process. A winning mindset will be attained progressively. That is why there is need for monitoring. Set up a way that will enable you to do that. It is better to know if you are making any progress or not. This information will be helpful in changing the course if need be or continuing the same course if it proves fruitful. Monitoring the progress should be set for a specific time frame, state what is successful and the adjustment to be done if needed.

Reflecting and adjusting

You need to reflect and adjust where necessary. This should be informed by the monitoring that you have done. You need to determine a set time when to do the reflection. Like in monitoring, you need to write down your reflections. It is easy to work with something that is written down because it is possible to forget it if not written down.

Celebrating successes

Success in this regard can be said to be the attainment of a winning mindset. This can be slow and incremental. You need to celebrate the strides that you make, regardless of how small or insignificant. This is an acknowledgement of your efforts to the change that you set out to achieve. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to have something planned as way of celebration.

You could for instance write a note to your partner to appreciate your success together. Or you could cook some special meal for yourselves. It doesn’t have to be extravagant, but if you can manage it, then I see no problem with it. The celebration must not bring about other problems such as spending money on an extravagant event that leaves you short on money, leading to fights. You can reflect on the success together and celebrate together.

Conclusion

The process I have walked you through in this article should be able to help you determine where you are now and how to change into a winning mindset. Don’t forget to check out the accompanying free downloadable worksheet which you can get here. This can help you in taking practical steps to transform your intercultural marriage towards a winning mindset. Regularly reflecting and adjusting will help you maintain the progress and build a strong and flourishing relationship.

I have written about goal setting and how to maintain the optimism which will be helpful in the process of embracing a winning mindset. Read that article here. “A winning attitude allows you to work on the things you can control” (Germany Kent). Playing it safe is characterised by fear of messing up what seems to be comfortable although not the desired relationship quality. You would want better but are scared.

You rationalise as to whether a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. At this juncture, calling on the motivation of Michell C. Clark that ring true most of the time would be appropriate. He says that when you’re nervous about stepping out of your comfort zone, remind yourself: “It feels scary because its unfamiliar – not because I’m incapable.” (Michell Clark). A winning mindset plays to win. You must want to play to win. Step out and start playing to win. Embrace a winning mindset in your marriage.