Control or controlled

Emotions are a part of us. Being human means that you will have emotions. Getting rid of emotions or numbing them is in a way denying yourself the chance to be human. What we need is to learn how to regulate them, rather than eliminate them. However, sometimes these emotions can be so overwhelming that they control us instead of us controlling the emotions.

This may negatively affect our decisions, work, relationships, and health. You probably have heard these words or something similar, or they may ring true to your own life: “I don’t believe that this can change. I can’t change the way I react. I can’t control my emotions. This is the way it is, and this is the way it is going to be.” It is as though you are doomed to that life no matter what you may try to do. It’s like that’s your destiny. And you may justifiably think that way because irrefutable evidence around you abound that gives the conviction that what you see is your fate.

I will not attempt to convince you otherwise, rather, I will attempt to show you that certain steps anchored in hope can make a difference. This of course involves work. Faith or belief alone will only get you so far. Hope or belief are merely an anchor that holds us fast while we do the work to gaining some form of control of our emotions. Think of it this way, it is like the anchor that is lowered in the deep waters at shore to hold the boat in place for the loading or unloading of cargo.

Let me begin by first explaining my understanding of emotions. According to the APA Dictionary of Psychology, emotion is “a complex reaction pattern, involving experiential, behavioural, and physiological elements, by which an individual attempts to deal with a personally significant matter or event.” Put differently, there are three components to emotional experience according to UWA. These components are a subjective experience, a physiological response, and a behavioural or expressive response.

This definition makes it possible to distinguish emotion from feelings and moods. Feelings arise from an emotional experience that one may have. They are an expression of the emotion response. Mood on the other hand is defined as any short-lived emotional state, usually of low intensity (e.g., a cheerful mood, an irritable mood). Moods differ from emotions in lacking an object; for example, the emotion of anger can be aroused by an insult, but an angry mood may arise when one does not know what one is angry about or what elicited the anger (APA Dictionary of Psychology).

Control when overwhelmed

Is it possible to change the emotional status when overwhelmed? Is emotional regulation possible?And here I am refereeing to those emotions that are called negative emotions, although I believe that one and the same emotion can be positive and negative at the same time. Negative emotions are in this case those emotions that disrupt our life or cause discomfort. It is my conviction that those emotions can be worked on so that they no longer disrupt our lives or cause discomfort. This would be controlling our emotions. We don’t cease to have those emotions; we simply gain control of how we express those emotions. 

However, there are some people that don’t have this conviction. What are the reasons then for this lack of conviction or belief that emotional regulation is attainable? Here are some of the reasons that one could advance:

1. It could be that there is a medical condition that makes it impossible for the person to regulate their emotions. This conditions always leads to failure to be in charge. This in turn creates a belief of hopelessness and helplessness.
2. The feeling of helplessness when the emotions take over. The emotions feel so strong and overpowering that one feels there is nothing that can be done to reverse or control the situation.
3. What society has taught us with regards to how to react to emotional overwhelm is one of the reasons for the lack of conviction. Society has put certain expectations on how you are to behave. You will either bottle-up your emotions that may lead to an outburst further down the road or simply express the emotions in a negative way without any regard to how it affects others. But how then do you feel after that knowing that you have caused some damage in the lives of others?
4. What you convince yourself to believe plays a bigger role in having a defeatist attitude. If you believe that this is the way you are meant to be then there won’t be any motivation or drive to change.

Steps anchored in hope

What now remains to be answered is how can one build the certain steps anchored in hope that can make a difference? If you are to build this hope that convinces you that you can control your emotions, you must start with small steps. Build small victories that will show you that things can turn out differently.

If you are surrounded by evidence that this is your fate is one of failure, you don’t need to convince yourself otherwise. You need evidence to show you that what you have always believed to be your fate can be changed. And little victories such as not screaming at someone for no apparent reason. Think of it as a time in primary school where you are not required to do physics or geometry. As you develop, you will be able to deal with complex matters. Start small, whatever small may be for you.

You must learn to appreciate your emotions. Your troublesome emotions are not enemies to be fought. They are there to serve a particular purpose. Try and find out what purpose that emotion is serving and then deal with the issue at hand.

Let me give an example to explain this point. You may find yourself angry and having outbursts at someone for what they said or did to you. Instead of trying to fight the anger in you, maybe try and ask yourself what purpose that anger served. Is it that you felt unfairly treated? Is it that you wanted the other person to feel the same pain that you felt? Is there a need that you want to be met? This approach enables you to not treat anger as an enemy to be fought, rather, as a messenger of some need that you want met. Get curious about your emotions. 

Build confidence in your ability to regulate your emotions. Think of some of the times that you were able to regulate your emotions in the past. Use that to build confidence. You equally must be kind to yourself to build confidence. 

And finally, get to work on your emotional regulation. It won’t happen by you doing nothing about it. If you feel that this is way too much for you to do on your own, then seek professional help. There are people with the skills and training to help you. Yes, emotions can be controlled but this calls for work and knowing what to target on. Here is to you gaining control of your emotions.

References:

APA Dictionary of Psychology. (n.d.). https://dictionary.apa.org/emotions. Accessed: 27.03.2023

APA Dictionary of Psychology. (n.d.). https://dictionary.apa.org/mood. Accessed: 27.03.2023

UWA. (2020, June 22). The Science of Emotion: Exploring the Basics of Emotional Psychology | UWA Online. UWA Online. https://online.uwa.edu/news/emotional-psychology/. Accessed: 24.03.2023