An anxiety filled phone call

My phone rang and a quick glance at the phone screen revealed a familiar number. I knew the person that had called me because I had saved his name in my phonebook. With a glitter of joy welling up within me, I picked up the call without any expectation except the anticipation to talk to the person on the other end of the line.

Within a minute of the commencement of the conversation, everything went downward. Simon wasn’t having a good day at all. He was experiencing an emotional breakdown and needed my help. He was experiencing heightened anxiety. It was difficult for him to talk. It sounded like a struggle for him to tell me what was happening. He was struggling to breath and crying uncontrollably. At some later point he told me that he felt he was losing control. 

Simon called me to ask for help. When I realised what was happening to him, I decided to concentrate on helping him calm down. He was emotionally overwhelmed, and this rendered him helpless and hopeless. I managed to help him calm down to a point that he was able to do the task that seemed to have triggered the heightened anxiety.

But what struck me the most was the question that he asked me later, “why couldn’t I calm myself down?” This question, I would like to believe, has been asked by many other people who have or are struggling with overpwering anxiety or panic attacks. My answer to this question will be restricted to my experience with Simon. How he managed to calm down is however something that can be applicable to many. 

Why it was hard to calm himself down

Let me now give some reasons as to why it’s hard to calm oneself down. Here are a few reasons for that: 

1. One of the reasons people fail to calm themselves down could be the use of wrong breathing techniques. I will explain further on this point when I talk about how to use the technique in a productive way. But if you are using it correctly and it has been helpful, then please read on as there can be something else of value for you. 

2. Fear of dying or losing control can be overwhelming when one is in the middle of a heightened anxiety or panic attack. Simon felt that he was unable to control his emotions. It as though the emotions had taken full control of him. This may raise some fear that something worse may happen and you cannot control it. You feel at the mercy of your emotions. The worst-case scenario is that you may end up dead. This is a helpless feeling. Uncertainty compounded by prevailing evidence that something is wrong with you. I can understand the predicament this places you in. 

3. When our brain senses some danger, it prepares the body to either flee, fight, or simply play dead. The fight -flight response is something that is meant to protect us or enable to survive any danger. However, this fight-flight response does make it harder for us to control ourselves when the emotional surge is so strong and sudden. When the emotions are so high, it then becomes extremely difficult, or nigh to impossible, to be rational. So, if you are reliant on your rational being to calm yourself down, then chances are high that you will not be able to succeed in that endeavour. This has nothing to do with what you do or don’t do. Its simply a part of the human makeup. So don’t be hard on yourself on this count. And there’s hope despite that. Think of it this way, a tap will let out water because that’s what it is made to do. However, you can either turn it on or off. This is the hope that I am referring to. You need to learn to turn down or turn off your emotions so that you are not overwhelmed. Turning off your emotions in this regard does not in any way mean that you numb your feelings. No, it doesn’t. 

4. The thought that you are losing your mind or that your brain is not working properly can be paralysing. We all want to be in control of our minds. We all thrive on certainty. Unpredictability unsettles us. If we think that we are losing our mind, we then become unsettled emotionally. And in this unsettled state, the focus becomes an attempt to not lose one’s mind. In essence, you are now dealing with two things: emotional instability and ensuring you don’t lose your mind. That’s a lot to handle.  

How then do I calm myself down? 

There are different methods or techniques that people will suggest can help you calm yourself down during a heightened anxiety that some people refer to as an anxiety attack. The techniques I have in this article are based on what I have learned during my psychotherapy training, and most importantly, what I did with Simon. So, here is what I did with Simon. 

1. Simon was trying to calm himself down by breathing slowly. I had to think on my feet, literally, if I should continue the same breathing. I decided to do something different. And I must point out here that there is no formula to follow as to what to start with. This calls for being creative. Out of the blue, I asked Simon to pick any colour and do so without thinking too much about it. This sounded confusing for him. He wanted help to calm down and not what I was asking. I assured him that whatever I was doing was aimed at helping him to calm down. I told him to trust me. He did and picked a colour. I then asked him to name the things around him that he saw in that colour. He did but there were only about three things. He wasn’t yet calm, so I asked him to pick a different colour. We went through the same process again. Although there was a markedly slight improvement, I decided to move onto the next technique. 

2. The next technique that we did was the breathing technique. I could have continued with this technique in the first instance, but I thought otherwise. Giving him a break from a technique that had so far not yielded the desired result was meant to save him from any frustration that may arise from it seemingly not working quick enough. Now, let me explain what I meant by doing the breathing technique correctly. I told him to first empty the lungs before we could do the slow breathing. This would help prevent fast breathing that makes one feel like they are having shortness of breath. Emptying the lungs provides space for one to do the normal breathing, unlike the short breaths that he was doing initially. I slowly counted to four for each time he inhaled and exhaled. After about a minute, he told me that he now felt better, and we didn’t need to continue. He had regained his control. He was once again calm, but with my help. And that’s why he was wondering why he wasn’t successful doing it on his own.

A word of caution

Finally, you need to bear in mind that what I did with Simon is not the treatment of heightened anxiety or a panic attack. This is simply something that one can use to calm down during elevated anxiety. It is a skill that one can develop to successfully regulate emotions. I have used the words “panic attack” and “heightened anxiety” because they are different and require different treatment approaches. Seek help before the situation gets out of hand. This is not supposed to be a hopeless situation. 

Here is to a life of managing to calm yourself down on your own. 

Note: Simon is not the real name although the accounts are from an actual event that happened. And the person gave the assent to my writting this. I changed the name for confidentiality reasons.