Table of Contents
Introduction and Making a Case for the Differences
Intercultural differences can be a stumbling block in a marriage. This article will discuss how to navigate these differences that are unique to intercultural marriages. The article seeks to promote cultural sensitivity which is hoped will lead to mutually adapting to each others’ differences. This can be achieved through recognising and respecting the cultural differences in the relationship. It is about some of the things that one can do to work through the difficulties that are experienced in an intercultural or interracial relationship or marriage.
I believe there are relationship difficulties that are unique to intercultural relationships. Such relationships or marriages can and do present one with the excitement of being involved with someone exotic. It can be likened to that excitement that one would see when people are going for a holiday to Thailand where they expect to eat exotic food, sample some exotic drinks, and simply enjoy the exotic life that Thailand has to offer.
Being involved with someone from a different culture or race can equally be as exhilarating as going on holiday to an exotic place. But that’s just one side of it. The other side is that we are getting involved with someone who is different. And that difference brings along with it some difficulties in the relationship.
Yes, you are correct to think that every person that one gets involved with is different regardless. I submit that even those from the same culture equally have differences in how they adhere to their cultural practices. However, the difference with intercultural relationships is that you are not only getting on board a different personality, rather, you are getting someone who has different customs, values, sex roles, mannerisms, and worldview. Your partner could be someone whose culture is marginalised, oppressed, or has had to contend with racism. That could be their experience as a culture although not on an individual basis.
I am not going to list all the differences here because that’s not my aim. My goal in this article is to highlight the few things that you can do to navigate through the significant cultural differences that you and your partner have. Ever heard of culture shock? Right, that’s the similar point I am trying to drive home. Paying attention to those differences can be the difference between a happy and fulfilling relationship and one that is not.
Uniquely Inherent Differences
I hope I have managed to somewhat drive the point that intercultural marriages have uniquely inherent differences that you need to navigate through.
An interesting quote, although speaking of relationships in general, states that “when you pick a partner, you pick a story. And often you will be recruited for a play that you didn’t audition for” (Perel, Esther). Said differently, the partner that you choose to be into a relationship with, comes with their own views on life and relationships, and these views have been formed over the years through observation and learning. These ways of life will be shaped by the culture they are raised in.
It is worth pointing out that these views will be different from yours at some point if not at most. They may be positive or negative in nature, but they are different to your persuasion. These differences may lead, and often have, to straining of the relationship. They may challenge us as well as make us live miserably, at least for some time, it is hoped. Some of the differences may lead to relationship breakup, whereas others may lead us to regret our decision to being in that relationship in the first place. Differences in this case don’t necessarily mean conflicts although I am aware that it may be a part of it.
The life story of your partner may include things such as their view on tidiness, how much one is to socialise with others, how to raise or discipline children, interests, and values, to mention but a few. I will attempt to give a few tips that may be helpful in navigating through the life story that your partner has come with into your relationship.
Let me hasten to point out from the outset that this article doesn’t give tips for very specific relationship differences. This is more of an umbrella approach to the matter. So, here are the tips:
The Six Tips
1. Realise and Acknowledge that Your Partner is Different from You
You must realise and acknowledge that your partner is different from you. I know this sounds so obvious and straightforward. But it’s not that straightforward in daily real life. We want things done the way we think is the right way. We get frustrated when our partner doesn’t see things the way we do. I have elaborated this tip further in my other article.
We are all different from each other and it’s perfectly fine that we are different. So don’t beat yourself down for being different. On the same count, do not force your partner to have the same story to what you have. Realising and acknowledging that your partner is of a different culture entail that you accept their way of living life. Accept that the way they see things is not wrong but simply different. Just read on further before you go away thinking I am trying to make you accept your partner with all the things that make your relationship difficult and maybe miserable. Remember, we are trying to find ways to navigate these difficulties. So, read on please.
2. See Things from Your Partner’s Point of View
Once you have managed to deal with the hurdle of accepting that your partner is of a different culture, you need to see things from their point of view. This doesn’t mean that you accept their point of view. It is possible to disagree with someone and at the same time be able to tell them that you get it looking at it from their point of view. You may be wondering right now that what’s the point of doing that? Does it matter if I get it but still don’t agree with them?
Perhaps an example or two would suffice at this juncture. You may consider the time at the dinner table as a time to talk and interact with your partner. It is, for you, a time of the day where you get to hear how the day went for your partner. Your partner on the other hand isn’t talkative at the dinner table. This may be frustrating to you. The thing is that you were raised to believe that dinner time is an opportunity to talk to each other whereas your partner was raised with the knowledge that it is disrespectful to talk at the dinner table. You may be frustrated that your partner doesn’t want to talk but that may be far from the truth. It’s just that your partner is trying to be respectful.
Another example would be the complaint that your partner is allowing his or her family to interfere in your relationship. You don’t like how involved they are in your relationship. You would like your partner to be more assertive to some of the things that are coming from their family. The problem in this case may not necessarily be the lack of assertiveness or independence. It could be the understanding of what marriage means to both. For one partner, you marry into the family whereas for the other, you marry your partner. Marrying into the family means that you are bringing your partner into your family. The concept of marriage is in this case, not just about the two. It involves the extended family. That may also involve sending money to his uncle or niece, whereas for you the money is for the two of you and your children if you have any. By the way, your partner may have to explain four or five times for you to understand who this uncle or niece is, if at all you will. Your partner may regard your perceived lack of assertiveness on thier part as being responsible for his or her extended family.
Try to understand why they approach life the way they do in an inquiring and not accusatory manner. Take it as an opportunity to learn their difference rather than condemn them for seeing things differently.
3. Communicate with Each Other
You need to talk to each other about your concerns. Communication is key in any relationship. Don’t assume or take it for granted that what you know about your partner is the truth. This will help clear up certain things such as the example I gave above about talking at the dinner table. It is through talking that you will be able to learn the worldview of your partner. This brings us nicely to the fourth tip.
4. Acceptance of Your Partner is a Life-long Process
Learn to accept that you are in this relationship for the long haul unless you want to quit half-way through. Don’t get me wrong. This is not me advocating for how long you should be in your marriage. Understandably, some will consider divorce or breakup as the best option. That’s your call to make. Not mine. What I am trying to communicate by the words, “in it for the long haul,” is that the problems emanating from the differences will not quickly disappear.
Accepting that your partner is different due to their cultural worldview can be a process that is life-long. In the early stages of the relationship, we are mostly confident that we will be able to deal with the differences that our partner has. I like to call this as not being honest with oneself. Nothing wrong with that considering that we are smitten by affection at that time. And as days, months and perhaps years go by, those differences we thought we would be able to tolerate suddenly feel like irreconcilable differences. This is the time we tend to think that the person we first met has changed. No, they haven’t changed. It’s just that you are now a lot more honest with yourself.
The good news I have for you is that the differences will not disappear or be resolved in a very short time. They may probably last the life of your relationship. As the holy writ says, gird up your loins and faint not.
5. Manage Your Differences
The fifth tip builds up from the fourth tip and brings out the good in the good news I referred to above. What will make this journey a lot easier and more worthwhile for you is to see these differences that you have as something that you need to manage and not a problem that you need solve.
The differences can be managed. The emphasis should be on the word, manage. The one thing that you need to do is to find a way how to manage those differences. I am intentionally asking you to manage and not to solve or resolve your differences. And when I say faint not, I am not asking you to persevere for the sake of it. Rather, I am asking you to persevere in finding ways to manage the differences because the differences can be managed and navigated.
6. Change Must be Negotiated
The final tip is that you both need to negotiate to change where change is possible and learn how to live with the differences that are unchangeable. Don’t force your partner to live life the way you would want them to based on your conviction that your way of life is the correct one.
A negotiated change will not feel like someone is imposing themselves on you. This is a situation where you give and take. It is compromising on the differences even though deep within, you would want your partner to change. It usually isn’t a casual acceptance because there is a rumbling within you that screams to your partner to change. This can be frustrating and despairing, but you accept them despite their supposed flaw. I am saying supposed flaw because you see it as a flaw.
I know, it can be easier said than done, to be asked to accept your partner with what you feel are failings. But that’s the path that you choose when you choose your partner. You didn’t tell your partner that you didn’t want certain aspects about them when you first met. You may have had those thoughts but my guess is that you didn’t voice them out. Ask each other how you can be of help to deal with each other’s differences. Learning to live with the differences is about embracing the other person just the way they are without attempting to change them. You simply manage the differences.
Conclusion
Intercultural marriages are not innately doomed to failure because of their inherent differences. The failure comes from how we tend these relationships. It’s like growing some vegetables in your backyard garden. The vegetables will fail because you are not doing what you are supposed to do for them to grow and flourish. Whether it is growing them in a place that they can’t grow, it still boils down to you not doing what you are supposed to do to make them grow. Intercultural marriages can be fun and enjoyable. I don’t want you to leave this article with an impression that you are dealing with an impossible situation. No, it’s not.
If you need professional support in navigating through the differences that you and your partner are struggling with, reach out to me to see how we can work together. You will get help that is specific to your problem and that meets your idividual needs.