What is communication breakdown?

What I have in mind is the scenario that Mary Fisher paints in her article. The scenario is one where you feel as though you are two strangers that just pass one another. You feel like you would rather talk to just about anybody else than your spouse. Your conversation seems strained or forced.

I like her explanation because it makes a distinction between not simply understanding your partner due to language barrier and communication breakdown. Granted, it can all stem from language barrier or misunderstandings, which I have termed, lost in translation. But what I am trying to solve here is the status that Mary Fisher painted in her article. That’s the problem that the worksheet seeks to solve. She further defines a conversation breakdown as “a point where couples fail to communicate in a healthy way about disagreements or misunderstandings. At this stage couples reach a communication stalemate unwilling to see each other’s point of view. Both dig in their heels, unwilling to accommodate their partners needs.”

How did we get here?

This article expands a section in my other article on communication nuances. The question above is a quest to understand the context of communication breakdown. I would like to believe that most of us have at some point in our lives come to ask the question, “how did we get here?” It may not make sense to fathom that such a seemingly insignificant incident has led to everything spiralling out of control. It may feel like the classic making of a mountain out of a molehill.

How did we get here reminds me of someone who is angry at you, but you don’t know why they are angry. There doesn’t seem to be any reason to have made them that upset. If you come to think about it, there are several possibilities as to why one will get angry. It could be that you said something that upset them. Or it could be that someone at work ruined their day, and you are simply collateral damage. Or it can be any of the reasons that you can come up with. Or they may simply be hungry.

The possible reasons for being angry are varied and numerous. This makes it difficult to guess what led to the anger. To understand how we got here (communication breakdown), there is need to understand the context. And that’s what I intend to do with the use of a worksheet which you can download for free here. You don’t need to guess the correct reason from the available several possibilities. You can deal with the specific reasons. And that’s what the worksheet will help you do – understand the communication breakdown.

How the worksheet intends to answer the question, “how did we get here?”

This worksheet is intended to offer instructions that are easy to follow and understand communication breakdown. I will therefore use simple language that you can easily follow. I will endeavour to address the core issues and goals that this worksheet intends for you to achieve.

My hope is to be as interactive and engaging with you as is possible. The reasoning for this is that this should make a difference in your life at the end of the day. I will be more than content if your life and relationship is transformed through this exercise. This exercise should provide you with valuable insights and promote meaningful discussions between you and your partner in understanding communication breakdown, leading to change that brings meaning and happiness in your relationship.

What will be covered in this worksheet?

The guiding thought as to what is covered in this worksheet is the fact that this should be transformative for your relationship once this is done right. You must be able to understand the context of your communication breakdown. Overall, the worksheet provides you a foundation solid enough for you to explore the impact that your cultural upbringing plays in communication breakdown. It encourages active listening, reflection, and self-awareness. I believe that these three are the core aspects in tackling communication breakdown. And with regards to what will be covered in the worksheet, here are the main points, briefly:

1. Specificity: While the worksheet will prompt you to reflect on yourself, your relationship, and your partner, I will make use of specific questions to help guide the discussion that you and your partner are to have. I don’t want this to be a general worksheet. And as you work on your relationship, bear that in mind. Make this worksheet work for your specific need. Specific questions that I may have to ask may for instance be as follows: What specific background information did you or your partner bring into the conversation? Were there any unspoken assumptions or expectations based on your cultural backgrounds?
2. Active Listening Exercises: I will add specific exercises that you can use to practice your active listening skills. This is meant to not only hone your listening skills but equally help develop your patience. It is not easy to be slow to speak and quick to listen. The opposite is always true. I will use exercises such as reflecting what your partner said, paraphrasing as well as asking clarifying questions. This should help you to develop the needed practical skills for better communication.
3. Nonverbal Communication: I will address this issue more in passing and not in detail. This is because it is an important aspect of understanding the context but at the same time deserves its own section to be dealt with conclusively. I will point out the importance of nonverbal communication that can be found in gestures, facial expressions, and body language. The context these will be discussed is your understanding on how they vary across cultures.
4. Conflict Resolution Strategies: While the focus of this worksheet is about understanding the context, I will equally include some specific aspects of conflict resolution strategies tailored to intercultural relationships. These may equally be applicable to those that are married from the same culture. An example of such strategies would be the use of “I” statements.

Can this transform my relationship?

If you are like me and the few others that I have interacted with, you are not here to simply gain some knowledge or gather information on communication breakdown. You want your life and relationship transformed. You want to deal with the communication breakdown in your relationship. If that is you, then you are in the right place.

Your first step is to overcome what I wrote in “what is communication breakdown?” – that feeling where you are unwilling to accommodate your partner. The worksheet will not change your resentment for your partner. It won’t change the feeling you have to not want to talk to your partner. You must deal with that to be able to do this worksheet with your partner. “Relationships need real talk, even when it’s uncomfortable” (Hilary I. Lebow). But it’s not the end of the world if they are unwilling to do this with you. You can start working on yourself.

Change comes about by applying yourself diligently to what is required of you. From my psychotherapy practice experience, the people who have had the most benefit and had their lives transformed are those that take time to work on their lives. It’s not any different here. This worksheet can transform your relationship if you put into practice what the worksheet asks you to. This is a practical tool and not a magic wand.

Get to work now!

Well then, this article is meant to introduce you to the worksheet. Download your free worksheet now on this link. Your journey to understanding your context starts now. The worksheet is a self-help resource but if you need my help to understand your context, then email me for an appointment. Whether alone or with your partner, I can help you get started with resolving communication breakdown.