What is a negotiated change?

A negotiated change is one that is reached after carefully and considerately considering the arguments that each party has advanced. This is a change that both parties have agreed upon. It must be stated from the onset that the agreement doesn’t mean that you are both agreed on all the differences. There is likely going to be compromise reached. The agreed upon change is that both of you agree of the need for change if you are to progress. You both then work it out to get to the middle ground.

This article expands on the sixth tip in my article, better intercultural marriage differences: 6 tips. I seek to offer a framework that you can use to navigate the cultural differences in your marriage. This framework, it is hoped, would promote compromise, communication, and understanding. These three – compromise, communication and understanding – are foundational in a negotiated change.

Why a negotiated change?

One of the main reasons for negotiating the change is that you don’t want to impose yourself on your partner. Just hear me out before you abandon reading this article. I am aware that there are cultures and religions that have defined roles for each person in the marriage. I am not trying to change that. A negotiated change gives each person involved an opportunity to both air their views as well as a chance to be heard. This gives both parties a sense of ownership in the decision that has been reached. A decision that is reached in this manner will result in both of you giving your all to the success of that decision.

Let us use the example of a culture or religion where the man is regarded as the head of the house. The wife is expected or required to be submissive. Submission can be interpreted and applied differently. The husband in one sense may be regarded to have the final say. It might be that you are married to someone who believes in shared decision making. This difference needs to be negotiated so that it doesn’t hinder what you want for your marriage.

Such a situation requires each person to identify their respective cultural roles and expectations regarding decision making. This externalisation approach is aimed at making them see the patterns in the cultural system so that they don’t take these differences as personal flaws or incompatibilities.

Here are some other reasons for a negotiated change: A negotiated change helps in bridging the gap between you as well as in managing the conflict. Bridging of the gap is inevitable considering that you are both from different cultures. The closer you bridge the gap the less conflicts you are likely to have. Bridging the gap also affords you the opportunity to build a shared identity that both of you are comfortable with. A final reason I would suggest for a negotiated change is that both of you are dynamic. To keep up with the constant changes that you undergo, negotiating with each other enables you to adapt to the changes in your cultures.

Does it mean you agree on all accounts?

If you do, then good on you. But the reality is that you won’t, and you shouldn’t. You shouldn’t, not because I do not want you to. Rather, you shouldn’t because you are both unique individuals of varying cultures. You are raised from different cultures that see things differently. That’s why you shouldn’t agree. I am deliberately using the words, you shouldn’t agree, because I want it to transmit the weight that I feel is not transmitted by saying, we are or cannot agree on all accounts. You shouldn’t agree on all things but you need to agree on a negotiated change.

You will need to agree on certain aspects that enable the relationship to be kept alive and flourishing. When negotiating what change to accommodate, you need to agree on how both of you will compromise to make the relationship work even when you don’t agree to change the culture. The focus is not to agree to change the culture. It should be on how to move forward with the differences. You may wonder how this can possibly be achieved. Well, this is where creating a shared culture comes into play.

What if there is no agreement?

This is the timely moment that my golden rule regarding relaionships comes into play. Here is my golden rule: I always believe that there are things that we can change and at the same time there are things that we cannot change in our partners. A negotiated change acknowledges change where change is possible and equally learns how to live with the differences that are unchangeable.

So, there will be times when there is no agreement. Try to find a way if you can. But if it gets to a point where an agreement isn’t possible, then you need to realise that that too is part of life. Instead of fighting each other for doggedly holding onto your positions, try and find a way to live with those differences. Who knows, maybe it could be that you come up with a shared culture, or simply learn to live with those disagreements. Whatever you choose, make sure that it is a decision that doesn’t haunt you every single morning you open your eyes to a new day.

The the emotional state of your partner is one of the things that you need to bear in mind when you disregard your partner’s input and go with what you think is right. This whole exercise isn’t, rather, shouldn’t be simply about deciding on what culture to adopt. It should equally take into consideration your emotional well-being as well as that of your partner. This is not about the conqueror glorying in their conquest while the vanquished lick their wounds in submission and utter despair. This is your relationship. Your life together. It deserves your care.

One example that comes to mind is where one of the two doesn’t understand the other on an issue. Let’s assume for the sake of clarity that the man wants to do what the wife doesn’t agree with. He doesn’t understand why she is opposed to what he wants despite her attempts to explain and clarify her viewpoint. What he doesn’t realise is that her concern isn’t about what he wants to do, rather it is about the good of the relationship. The good of the relationship rather than imposing oneself on the other should be paramount in the decisions one makes. This is what taking care of the relationship means.

If you fight and impose your way, she may be left emotionally distraught. Imagine what emotional damage this would do to her. Understanding your partner will help in avoiding such a situation from happening. Negotiating gives you that opportunity to understand your partner. And in the event that the damage has been done, there’s still hope to mend things up. Always think about the good of your relationship.

Conclusion

What I have endeavoured to do in this article is comparable to offering you a picture frame. What pictures you want to be in that frame is up to you. You decide on how you want it to look like. A negotiated change can be achieved through compromise. “Relationships with balance and joy require constant compromise, and some issues require much more compromising than others” (cornerstone.org).

Your attempts may have ended up in arguing and not be able to talk in a way that brings you a solution. That doesn’t mean it cannot be done. You may need someone to help you. I understand that at times we all need someone from outside to help us look at the differences in a productive manner. Send me an email to see how we can make the process productive for you. And subscribe to my newsletter to be informed whenever I post a new blog.