Introducing the two mindsets

The mindset with which an intercultural marriage is approached usually shapes the course that the relationship takes. Kendra defines a mindset as a set of beliefs that shape how you make sense of the world and yourself, and that these beliefs impact your success or failure.This is the definition of mindset that I have in mind in this article.

In my conclusion of the article, better intercultural marriage differences: 6 tips, I wrote about how we tend our relationships will determine whether we fail or not. The two mindsets in this article underline one of the aspects of tending a relationship.

I will draw parallels from the world of football to help explain the two mindsets that one will find in a marriage in general. Yes, it’s called soccer in other parts of the world but I prefer the word football. I will narrow it down to cross cultural marriages and how systemic therapy can be of help in specific situations. i will explore two distinct approaches: playing not to lose versus playing to win.

An example from football

In football, there is a saying that the best form of defence is attack. What this means is that if you sit back and defend the entire match, chances are that you will lose, or at best, draw if you defend resolutely. The best thing to do is attack because then your opponents will be forced to defend their goal. They will not attack your goal. You are in essence defending by attacking.

The example I take from football is one where you need a certain approach to win a match. If you go into a match with a goal to win, then your chances of winning are very high. But if you go in with a defensive mindset, then the match will be more taxing and gruelling, leading to a possible loss. How did I connect this to marriage, you may wonder. Well, it’s the approach to want to win or to not want to lose. The approach that one employs defines how successful or otherwise the marriage will turn out. Let’s look at the two approaches, first with playing to not lose, and then playing to win.

Playing to not lose

Playing not to lose is not a bad idea in a way. If we think in terms of the football example I have given above, playing not to lose may gain you a point if you are playing in a league format. That point may prove valuable over the course of a 38 match season. Winning gives you 3 points. But playing not to lose may give you nothing in a knock-out format where only the winner goes further or is crowned champion.

Playing not to lose in an intercultural marriage can be equated to not wanting the relationship to fail. I know that all relationships and marriages, whatever the kind, are entered into with the hope of not failing. However, I wouldn’t rule out the possibility of some having selfish and vile motives for entering marriage.

Nonetheless, if you enter marriage with a view to live happily and flourish therein, playing not to lose will be like simply maintaining the status quo. You don’t want to disrupt things the way they are. You do just enough to sustain the marriage. It’s like walking on eggshells. This is a mindset that says that if i don’t try then i don’t lose. Here is how this mindset can impact the marriage:

1. Fearing failure

Not wanting the relationship to fail may be attributed to the past failures and disappointments. Breakups have a habit of leaving us all scared to an extent that we are always reminded of that past failure whenever something similar comes our way. And when faced with such situations, we don’t want to relive that experience again. Playing not to lose becomes in this case our only safe bet to averting failure. But what this does to you is that you avoid confronting certain situations because you are afraid it may escalate into chaos, resulting in breakup. You may end up entertaining certain behaviours that you don’t like. So, you choose to suffer emotionally for the good of the relationship.

This reminds me of people who stay in the marriage for the kids. I have to say that I have huge respect for them, and I would want better for them. They sacrifice their happiness for the good of their kids. They simply maintain the outward image of marriage while living a different reality that given a choice, they would choose differently. They would choose a marriage that works for them. Married life could be more. It can be more. It should be more.

If I were to apply my Systemic therapy approach in dealing with the fear of failure, I would use some of the techniques outlined by Nichols and Schwartz (2008). The first thing I would do would be using the normalising technique to deal with the conflict and differences within the relationship. Afterwards, I would reframe the conflicts and differences so that they are seen as opportunities for growth rather than sources of fear or failure.

Let me take a moment to explain normalisation before I proceed. What is meant by normalisation is where I get the client to recognise that their problems or struggles are not peculiar. They are experiences that are common to other people. They may vary to some degree but they are the same cultural differences causing friction in other people’s marriages as well.

This is hoped would help in avoiding self blame or blaming the partner. You have a part to play in your relationship’s wellbeing but at least you will know that such relationships will inevitably be affected by the cultural differences. That’s just the nature of the relationship. Whether the effect is positive or negative is up to you.

2. Emphasising stability

We can all agree that stability is important in any relationship. However, if you are exclusively focused on avoiding failure, you are increasing the probability of inhibiting opportunities for growth, exploration, and personal development within your marriage.

3. Avoiding risks

This is where a partner may prioritize stability and security in the relationship. This however leads to a tendency to avoid taking risks or making changes that could potentially strain the relationship. In football, this is called playing safe. If a situation needs addressing, find a way to better do it than shying away.

In dealing with the avoidance of risks, the externalising conversations technique would be very helpful. This intervention externalises the problems from the individuals involved. The problem is seen as the problem and not the person as the problem. What this does is to create a collaborative space where the couple can examine the problem from a shared perspective, fostering empathy and understanding (White & Epston, 1990). Imagine what the outcome would be if you saw your partner as the problem. You would end up fighting with each other rather than resolving the problem.

4. Avoiding conflict

A partner may suppress the genuine and honest individual needs and concerns in an effort to maintain harmony and prevent conflict. This may seem the best way forward, but it leads to one harboring unresolved issues and underlying tension. This in turn leaves you having negative effects in the long run. Sometimes it can be difficult to manoeuvre this thin line between avoidance and confronting the issues.

In dealing with the avoidance of conflict, the structural mapping technique can be used to identify patterns of interaction and power dynamics that are present within the relationship. This technique empowers the couple to recognise and address the underlying issues collaboratively (Minuchin, 1974).

What a difference playing to win makes

There is nothing wrong with wanting to maintain things the way they are. You may be very happy with your status right now, and that’s fine. Playing not to lose is like playing for one point when you have three on offer. And the one point you are playing for is not guaranteed at certain times. You can still be married having the perspective to not want to lose, but it will limit your opportunities for growth and improvement. If you embrace and cultivate a mindset that is focused on fostering a flourishing marriage, you put yourself in good stead to navigate the cultural differences to become a beacon of hope in this world that is increasingly diverse.

Approaching differences in an intercultural marriage with a mentality of wanting to win can have significant implications on the dynamics of the relationship. It also affects the overall well-being of the marriage. Here’s how playing to win can impact the marriage:

1. Focus is on growth and fulfilment.

Having a mindset that wants the relationship to flourish will positively impact the marriage. With such a mindset you become proactive in nurturing the marriage. You actively foster mutual growth and happiness. You always look for opportunities for growth even in the very differences you may have.

2. Communication is open

When playing on a team, talking to each other is essential. If you are playing to win in your marriage, there will be an emphasis on open and honest communication. This is a communication where each of you feel safe to express your needs, desires, and concerns without fear that your partner will reject or judge you. The significance of such a communication is that it fosters mutual understanding, trust, and connection within the relationship (Fincham and Beach (2010).

3. Challenges are embraced.

As I pointed out in my article on the 5 basic significant cultural differences, challenges and setbacks can be opportunities for learning, growth, and strengthening the bond between you and your partner. You do not see them as threats to the relationship’s stability.

4. Investing in the quality of the relationship

When you are playing to win, you can actively invest your effort, time, and resources into building a strong foundation for your relationship. This would include things such as engaging in activities together, making use of and prioritising quality time, and doing couples’ therapy. Couples’ therapy is not there only for problem solving. It can be used as an investment in building a quality relationship.

5. Commitment to mutual wellbeing

When playing to win, the focus is on the team winning than on personal glory. In that regard, you ensure that your teammate is in good shape to achieve the victory for the team. In marriage, you will prioritise your partner’s happiness and well-being. You do your best to create a supportive and nurturing environment where both of you are able thrive personally and as a couple.

Interventions for playing to win

Let me give three interventions that can be used to foster growth. The first is being solution-focused oriented. The focus in this orientation is on identifying strengths and resources in the relationship, as well as the shared goals that you have. This approach empowers you to envision and work together towards a flourishing future (De Shazer, 1985).

The second one is facilitating collaborative goal-setting exercises. The couple is here asked to tell each other their individual aspirations and then allow them to co-create a vision for the relationship. The goal is to foster a sense of ownership and commitment to mutual well-being (Lee & Robbins, 1995). This becomes a goal that both own and are to care for.

And lastly, through enactments and role reversals, couples can be given the opportunity to explore alternative perspectives and communication styles. They also get to experience in a way what their partner is experiencing. This fosters empathy and promotes adaptive responses to differences (Selvini Palazzoli et al., 1980).

Conclusion

I have shown you the impact to marriage of two different perspectives, one where you play to win, and the other where you play to not lose. I have also given some intervention that I would employ as a systemic therapist. It is worth noting that both perspectives acknowledge the desire for a successful and fulfilling marriage. The difference lies in the drive to make that a reality.

Playing not to lose in an intercultural marriage may stem from a desire to maintain stability and avoid conflict. However, this approach can inadvertently hinder your relationship’s growth and vitality. From a systemic family therapy standpoint, several interventions can help address the challenges associated with this mindset.

In contrast, playing to win in an intercultural marriage entails a proactive and growth-oriented approach. The couple prioritises mutual benefits and personal development. This ensures that both parties are growing in the relationship. Systemic family therapy offers interventions that support this mindset.

Reach out to enquire how we can work together, whatever mindset you may have presently. We can work to map out your mindset, and get you to play to win, if that’s your goal. Do you want to flourish in your marriage or do you want to leave it the way it is because if you don’t try then you don’t have to fail?

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References

De Shazer, S. (1985). Keys to solution in brief therapy. Norton & Company.

Fincham, F. D., & Beach, S. R. (2010). Marriage in the new millennium: A decade in review. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(3), 630-649.

Lee, M. Y., & Robbins, S. B. (1995). The relationship between family cohesion and marital adjustment: A meta-analysis. Family Relations, 44(1), 97-102.

Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and family therapy. Harvard University Press.

Nichols, M. P., & Schwartz, R. C. (2008). Family therapy: Concepts and methods. Pearson.

Selvini Palazzoli, M., Boscolo, L., Cecchin, G., & Prata, G. (1980). Hypothesizing—circularity—neutrality: Three guidelines for the conductor of the session. Family Process, 19(1), 3-12White, M., & Epston, D. (1990). Narrative means to therapeutic ends. Norton & Company